Inciting Panic

I’ve been struggling with what to write this week.  I suppose because some of the thoughts in my head are not suitable for public consumption.  If they were suitable, I’d be happy to share them, but sometimes … well sometimes I need to practice that grace thing and try to learn.

Occasionally I just need to go drink coffee and not be around people.

I feel like I have stepped into another dimension.  And it’s not even the Twilight Zone.  Oh the Twilight Zone is calling to me … I can still hear it … I’m just a step or two away at the moment.  And the phrase it’s whispering to me this week is most interesting.

So.  Labels.  And assumptions still.  And this psychological study I somehow find myself conducting.

My labels of “strong and independent” & “dependable and reliable” are making me weary lately.  I have come by those labels naturally over many years.  When you don’t have anyone knocking down the door to take care of things for you … you figure it out yourself.  When you ask for help & don’t get it … you figure it out yourself.  When others offer to help … and then you ask … and then they let you down … you figure it out yourself.

I don’t mean to be Wendy Whiner here, just observing what appears to be a theme all-of-a-sudden just lately.

I lift my eyes unto the hills … where does my help come from …  

Yeah, that’s pretty much it.  I count on God.  He rocks.  Always.  And as the saying goes … he doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but I wish he didn’t think so much of me sometimes. 

And I wish chivalry weren’t dead.  I’m always delighted when someone offers to carry heavy things for me.  So I guess it’s not completely dead. 

Have you ever asked a question and got an answer back to a completely different question?  And it opened up a whole can of worms? 

Lest you think there are squirrels running rampant across this page, let me explain.  I was looking for help with something recently.  Looking for a little chivalry I suppose.  And before I could even get to the “would you please” part … well … I think I got a can of worms.  An open can.

There I go again, inciting panic.  Maybe I come by that naturally too.  I have been referred to as “Trouble” more than once.  J

Here, let me take care of that for you.

Petri Dishes and Patience

I don’t like being sick and having to slow down.

I may be a strong, independent woman, but my immune system is not aware of this fact.  So every now & again I have to give in and go get antibiotics.  I’m all over the natural and nutritional remedies, but sometimes they aren’t enough for my unique case.

I am a festering petri dish of cold and sinus germs at the moment. 

And don’t forget unique.

Now that I have meds, give me about 24 hours, and I’ll be back to my usual Tigger-like self.  I have actually taken long hardcore naps the last couple of days.  I really don’t nap much anymore.  I’m healthy enough I don’t need to.  Yay.

So my lesson in patience continues.  I’m thinking it’s a lifelong lesson.  Decades at the very least.

God actually has been whispering to me on one of my patience issues.  He says he’s got it, it’ll be fine, it’s gonna turn out like he said, I just need to wait.  OK, fine.  I’m not seeing it, but ok ...

I try to rely on him for when to speak and when to shut up and wait.  Really I do.  Those of you who know me well know how difficult it is for me to shut up.  There are so many words flying around in my head that sometimes they just need to escape.  Picture an insolent child stomping her foot and clenching her fists, though.  And you wonder why I work out. 

J

I think it’s time for more meds … and relaxation, whatever that is … and sleep …

Free

I love being free.

I had lunch today with a friend and former coworker who is still in Corporate America.  Corporate America is still much the same as when I left. 

Whenever I talk work with friends and family still doing the corporate thing, I feel like …

Praise God I’m not there anymore.

And not today so much, but sometimes the stories make me think … well, I look at people stressed out and so wrapped up in corporate shenanigans … and I’m reminded that I was there once, in that exact place in my life.  I didn’t realize how easy the choice really was to do something different. 

Does it take some risk and stepping out on faith?  Sure.  So do a lot of things worth having in this life.

I guess I’ve taken on some of the traits of one of my sounding boards who – usually when I’m rambling while looking for an answer to something or another – gives me The Look … which says, in so many words, “Really?” … “Did you hear what you just said?” … “Stop thinking so much.” … “It will all work out, it always does.” … “You know what you should do, so go do it.”

J

Sometimes I just need to be told.  Don’t we all.

Today was good.  Reinforcement that I’m on the right path.

We all have a lot more choices than we think.  Some get that and some don’t.  And some just like to complain.  Or so it seems.  I prefer positive attention over negative attention and sympathy, though.

Interestingly, I read an article this week that says entrepreneurs tend to be healthier than non-entrepreneurs.  Amen.

Stepping away and having some perspective rocks.

Assumptions

Just assumptions tonight. 

I’ve had a couple weeks of craziness and travel and craziness and such.

Assumptions.  We all operate within the world of our own assumptions.  But what about when you realize people have made assumptions about you that aren’t quite on the mark?  It seems to be a theme just recently. 

Let’s see …

Eating habits.  Some people seem to think I’ve been on a liquid diet of things that don’t taste good for the last year-and-a-half?  Um no, I eat “real” food every day.  And the protein shakes I drink taste good.  An advocate of a certain points-counting program wrinkled their nose up at me the other day and said, “Don’t you have to keep drinking those shakes?”  Well, yeah, I get to keep drinking those shakes.  J

Math.  And economics.  Some people just don’t understand.  Or maybe don’t want to.

80% nutrition, 20% exercise.  I am the poster child for this.  How many times have I heard, “I just need to exercise more.”  Well, yeah, everyone should exercise.  And for those who think I work out like a beast for hours … do you know my whole story?  I have physical / medical limitations that mean it’s pretty much workout-light for Jenn. 

What I want and what I need.  (To quote Daughtry.)  Sometimes even I don’t know what that is.  And when I do know and I say it … there are still no guarantees.  And when I do know and I don’t say it or don’t say it clearly … then it’s a real circus around here in this space called my life.

Right now I’ve got a little bit of everything going on, so let me just lay down across that last paragraph, and we’ll have a pretty good representation of my current askewness.

By the way, spell-check would like to suggest “sameness” and “alkenes” as substitutes for the word “askewness”.  Feel free to discuss the deeper meaning.

I don’t want to be negative at all here, because … as you might have figured out … I’m a big advocate of pray about it and follow God’s leading as best you can.

I’m also not much of a rules person, so, yeah, refer to previous guidance about praying about it …

And for anyone who thinks they know how I feel … or how I should feel … um, you might be wrong.  Just sayin’.  J