Saturday, September 29, 2012


It’s been almost a month since I posted my random thoughts and ramblings.  I had written a lot over the course of several days … some public, some shared privately, and some not shared at all … and I think I was just out of words. 

Insert joke about me being speechless here.

And I haven’t really been completely speechless.  To the beneficiary of a lot of my recent words – here is your public and yet somewhat anonymous thank you for putting up with me.  You rock.  You know who you are.

And in the meantime maybe it was time to be still and know that He is God.  To find that elusive quiet place and just listen.

Where he tells me be patient, I’m still working, I meant what I said.  You’re strong.  And I’m stronger.

And elusive quite place.  I’ve been distracted by a flurry of, I don’t know, schtuff, activities, things, whatever.  Mostly good.  Just things that needed done but weren’t necessarily in my plan.  Sometimes distractions are distractions, and sometimes maybe they’re a way to occupy our time while we wait on God’s timing.

That patience thing just won’t go away, will it.  Grrrr.

So yeah.  Fear.  And transformation.

I’ve had people tell me they can see my “transformation” just over the last couple months.  I don’t know, I did get my hair cut the other day.  And I am, in fact, wearing a size smaller jeans.  I suppose small changes … applied consistently and patiently … add up.

And the real theme of the day … which finally hit me while I was popping out my contacts for the night … fear. 

I guess I’m not really afraid of that much?

Snakes, definitely snakes.  That’s right, me and Indiana Jones.  I’ve always thought Harrison Ford is hot, so if someone could pass my number along to him, that’d be great.

I suppose I have a generic fear of failure – although I’m not even really sure what that means – and fear of being financially insecure, but even then my God has done an outstanding job of setting things up so I’m in a pretty good place right now.

I wasn’t always this way.  It took a lot of years and a lot of life to become this bold and care this little what others think.

It still often takes conscious decisions to step out.  And little reminders that, “Duh, you should do this.”  But if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear, right??? 

I’m gaining a new appreciation for my uniqueness on this subject.  I mean, I knew I was weird for kind of liking public speaking, which is a huge fear for many people.  And I think a fear of something that can hurt or kill you (like snakes!!!) is probably reasonable.  But letting fear hold you back from happiness, success, something you actually want, and freedom?  Hmmm … depends on the situation, but, well, I guess it’s fear of the unknown … it’s unknown!  So how do you know if you should be afraid of it or not?

I’m laughing out loud because I hate surprises.  But maybe I’m getting ok with them.

And what on earth is a fear of success anyway???  Someone really needs to explain that one to me.

Fearlessness.  It’s a good thing.  You should try it.

Monday, September 3, 2012


I said something the other day that made me stop and think.  Need versus needy.  I don’t like being needy.  It’s unattractive and, well, needy.

But we all have basic needs.  Physical.  Emotional.  Maybe intellectual.

And in the words of Sanctus Real … oh, oh we need each other.

In the past I’ve had friends say something to the effect of, “I need a man” or “I need a husband” or “I need this” or “I need that”.   These are grown-up, mature, reasonably well adjusted adults.  Accomplished Christian women perfectly capable of providing for themselves.

I came up with a mantra for my grown-up friends, and it comes in handy too with my small group girls when teenage drama starts to ensue …

There is only one man you need, and his name is Jesus Christ. 
The rest are just nice-to-have. 
Most of them.

So I try to watch my use of the word “need”. 

And now that I think of it, I should cross-stitch that mantra on a pillow.  I could start a whole new business based on that one phrase alone.  With products available in a variety of neon and princess colors.  An-y-way …

Maybe the joke’s on me.  I have said many times that God has a sense of humor.  I think he’s having a riotously hilarious time with me right now.  (Riotously hilarious … say it five times fast … you know you want to.)

Just when I’m all focused on work, and helping people, and … I don’t know, stuff … I get this flash.  I have this moment.  Twilight-Zone-worthy?  Maybe.  And it will take me longer to describe here than it took to occur, but here goes.  I got this weird feeling – almost physical -- that something was missing.  Wrong.  Not right.  The conversation with God went something like this … and I’m paraphrasing because there weren’t really words … kind of like when you’re at the end of your rope and you know you should pray, but you can’t even put the words together in your head, so you pray anyway without words because God knows what you’re saying … yeah, like that.  OK …

But God, you fill all my needs.
Yes, and this is what I’m giving you.
Really? ‘Cause not to be ungrateful, but it’s not really doing it for me right now.
Patience.  Haha.

Fast forward about a week to today.  I have work and things to do, so I’ve gotten cool with the patience thing for about five seconds.  I even managed to sleep in a little this morning.

Side note … I haven’t been sleeping the best lately, which is unusual for me.  Tell me, is it wrong to pray for the ragweed to die?  Because I feel that my life will be vastly improved – until next spring at least – once that happens.

So yeah, patience, focus, and a to do list.  I roll out of bed and grab my phone to check “the interweb” for the news of the day and such.  And there, staring me in the face, is a big ‘ol message from the big guy.  Not literal, but, you know, we get each other, and we have our inside jokes.  So pretty much he was saying, “Ha, told you so.  And oh, by the way, go get on the treadmill.”

So I got on the treadmill.  Where my stupid lungs cooperated enough for me to run part of the time.  Yay.  J  And where God had a hilarious time with my choice of Addison Road for today’s soundtrack.  Need You Now … Run … Always Love … and so on …

Need … hmpf!

And, OK, fine, I heard you!!!  J